I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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