some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
