I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
