I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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