Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My sheets look like a crime scene.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
