We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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