He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
