her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
