I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
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Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
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Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
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