I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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