Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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