If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
