In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
