I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
