i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
