alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
