What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
