went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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