I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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