my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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