i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
