We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize