I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
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She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
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Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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