You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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