I'm so fucking centered right now
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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