I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
