We're facebook friends in real life
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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