Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
