she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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