Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
