I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize