You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
