im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
