I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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