i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
