I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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