I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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