So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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