and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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