# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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