You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
