i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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