You smell like a Billy Joel song
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The uberlube is also flammable
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
