I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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