she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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