I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
cat food counts as protein by the way
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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