You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
