you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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