You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
