At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
