alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
