just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
