Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
