True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
