Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
