I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
