Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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