so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
