So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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