if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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