I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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